I've created another blog subject? Is that even a thing? For grief.. I don't know if it's linked to this or not. It's called Grief is Strange.
But, if interested.. here it is.
https://iporcelaindoll.blogspot.com -- now that I paste it, it looks like my website. Who knows.
Emotional Twit.
It's been forever since I last blogged, but.. I'm back.
Even if it's just a short stint, I'm here because I need
to get this off my chest and I honestly feel that I have no
other outlet to go to..
I received a message from Kris earlier.
For those who don't know who Kris is, she is my stepmom.
She asked a simple question that most of you wouldn't find
an issue with; she asked if she and my "dad" could take me
out to dinner as she wants to get to know me better.
And, here again.. I'm in tears.
I'm in tears because I will never have a dad.
I never had one. Instead, I had an abusive asshole.
And, just like any other young lady, I always wanted a dad.
I don't know what the point of this even is.
Just, if you have a decent dad, give him a hug. Tell him
you love him.. because you are lucky, even if you don't know it.
Even if it's just a short stint, I'm here because I need
to get this off my chest and I honestly feel that I have no
other outlet to go to..
I received a message from Kris earlier.
For those who don't know who Kris is, she is my stepmom.
She asked a simple question that most of you wouldn't find
an issue with; she asked if she and my "dad" could take me
out to dinner as she wants to get to know me better.
And, here again.. I'm in tears.
I'm in tears because I will never have a dad.
I never had one. Instead, I had an abusive asshole.
And, just like any other young lady, I always wanted a dad.
I don't know what the point of this even is.
Just, if you have a decent dad, give him a hug. Tell him
you love him.. because you are lucky, even if you don't know it.
Lovelies,
My sweet loves.
I'm such a terrible blogger.. but, I'm aiming to be better!
New content will be coming soon, I promise.
Xxxx
Untitled; Part 02
William had been driving Ms. Jenni since she was a child. Now, in his late sixties, he knew that he had seen better days.
When he was first hired on, he had been in the aftermath of his divorce of his wife; whom he had shared the last twenty years with. He had all but given up hope when his son had shown him the ad in the paper.
'Seeking Driver.
Little to no experience required.
Must be good with children.
Must be prompt and readily available.'
Now, William had never expected to find himself driving around a child, yet alone a young girl. He had worked hard his whole life and always with his hands. Even as he looked down at his hands now, he could still see the callouses which seemed to be etched into his weathered palms.
He had almost laughed it off when his son had suggested it. "Me? A driver?" He snorted, a smile on his lips. "Are you off your rocker, son?"
Yet,
Here he was. Twenty-Four years later, still driving her around. Despite his reservations about taking the job, he knew as soon as he had seen the young girl sitting on the rug, playing quietly with her doll. That this is what he wanted to do. When her sad eyes looked up, he knew he had to do it.
He'd seen her grow up over the years.
Driven her to her first date, seen her first heartbreak, taken her to summer camp. He never said a word, he just watched her take each obstacle in with stride.
When she lost her parents ten years ago,
He was there. He brought her to each appointment and watched from the mirror as her tears painted her face. How desperately he wanted to take this young girl and shield her from pain, but as always, he remained quiet.
That was his job.
To be seen and not heard.
That's why it surprised him so much when he brought her back to her empty house, that she clung to him in a hug. He said his first words to her then, "There, there, Ms. Jenni. It'll be quite alright."
Untitled.
Just something I've been working on today.
I wanted a venue to place this, it's still rough.
And, it isn't like anything I've posted before..
But, I'm still willing to share.
Please note this is a rough draft, please note any errors directly to me.
How you ever gotten so intoxicated by someone? You know what I'm talking about..
How the sound of his laugh makes your heart race.
The rumble of his voice makes your knees weak.
You just want to reach out and touch his smile,
trace your finger along the curve of his lips.
To get lost in his eyes.
How it would be enough just to live in his presence.
I've been spending a lot of time daydreaming lately. Which, as you know me, isn't always the best thing in the world. When I allow myself to feel, to really let go, it always seems inevitable that the other shoe will drop.
But, in that moment.
Frolicking in the grass with the sun warming my snow white skin, it all seems worth it. To see the water glisten, the birds sing, and to just be free.
I often wonder, if I spread out my arms.
Will I soar? Will the wind lift me up and take me away? How would it feel, to just be.
Bringing myself to the cliff's edge,
I question my sanity. Is it even possible to feel this free, to feel this alive? If I tumble down, I know what awaits. The darkness that will swallow me whole, tear me apart til I become just a shell of who I hoped to be.
Teetering on the edge,
Looking below then back and above again.
My heart has now found it's residence in the throat and that's when I let go.
Falling.
Tumbling.
Soaring.
I just exhale.
Arms spread wide, hair dancing behind me, and a smile on my face.
Beep, beep, beep.
I'm jolted awake, my hands searching around my silken gray sheets to locate my phone. Pressing the snooze button, I roll back over. Pulling my sheets up and over my shoulders.
I lay there in silence.
Exhaling as my finger draws into the sheets.
Tracing the shape of his lips, I smile once again.
I know if I spoke out loud, I'd break this trance.
That as soon as I spoke, he would be gone.
He would dissipate like the dew does from my tulips planted in the garden, like the condensation from my coffee pot does every morning. And, I'm not ready for that.
I'm not ready yet to let go.
Only if my alarm felt the same way.
Beep, beep, beep.
Another exhale.
Picking up my phone, the screen blinding me as it stares into my golden eyes. 5:45 AM displayed brightly on the black and white city landscape background. I know it's time to let go.
Peeling back my sheets, I swing my legs over to the edge of my bed where my feet come into contact with the cold wooden floor. Great, another brisk winter morning. How I wish I could just stay in these sheets.
I make my way through my bedroom and into my bathroom. With a flick of a light, the whites of the walls give my eyes yet another rude awakening. I really should think about painting these walls, it's beginning to look more like a hotel bathroom than one that belongs in a house. From the white walls to the black counter tops that house the only color found in this room. A black vase with an assortment of dying flowers, dropping over it's neck sits directly in the middle of two porcelain sinks.
Sigh.
I really need to remember to get another bouquet before this one dies off entirely. Making a mental note to pick one up after my meeting, I get into the shower. As the warm water pours down along me, saturating my long brown curls, I find myself beginning to daydream once again.
Lathering the soap across my body,
I wonder what his hands would feel like instead. How the cool air of his breath would feel against the back of my neck.
I really need to stop doing this to myself.
Allowing myself to live within this fantasy of "could bes" and should bes".
Turning the shower off, I wrap my white towel tightly around me after drying myself. I move to the counter and begin my morning routine. I brush my teeth, blow dry my hair, and apply light coat of mascara. I only glance into the mirror after I've completed.
I notice how the bags under my eyes are gotten darker, how I look tired. How my lips have paled and are beginning to crack. I force a smile to my face. Time to put that mask up, I mentally tell myself.
I venture back into my bedroom, having left the towel hanging from the door. I move into my closet, another flick of a light. This time the light isn't so harsh as it bounces off the walls filled with clothes, sorted by color, each divided by cubicles of shoes.
I think how OCD of me every time I enter this room. I call it a room because it's half the size of my bathroom and much like my bathroom, it holds mostly black and white articles of clothing with a splash of gray.
Opening up the drawer from the center island, I pull out my under garments; a white laced bra with matching underwear and my stockings. I clasp the bra behind my back and put on the panties. Taking a seat upon the bench, I pull up the nude stockings, scaling them up my legs until both reach the swell of my thighs.
Once again, on my feet. I pull on gray pencil shirt, tucking in a white button down shirt and slip on a pair of black heels.
Click, click.
Flick.
I exit the closet and make my way down the staircase. My house is far too big for me and Jackson; white fluff ball of a cat, who is hiding somewhere. Especially after he who shall not be mentioned by anything but G, moved out almost a year ago. But, I can't help but to still be in love with the place.
The fireplace in the living room, the chandelier above the cherry wood dining table, the stainless steel appliances against the granite countertops and not to mention the incredible view of the mountains in my room.
Flick.
The light spools over my kitchen as I move to make a fresh pot of coffee. I know I should take my father's advice and look into finding some roommates. He tells me each time he speaks to me, "Jennilee, it's not good for a 24year old woman to live in a house so empty." "It's so quiet, can't you find someone to share it with?" "Jennilee, have you looked at the apartments I sent you? I know a family who would love the house."
I just can't imagine sharing my home with a stranger. And, I know I'm not ready to leave this house with all the memories it holds. Pouring coffee into my white travel mug, I gather my keys from the table and move toward the door.
Flick.
Click, click.
I place my mug and keys on the glass top of the end table by my door. I pull on my black pea coat, wrap a lavender scarf around my neck, and swoop back up my belongings.
Exhale.
Smile.
Remember to smile.
I pull open the door, the snow still spilling the sky falls upon my coat as I lock the door behind me. I turn from the door, walking down the steps, I whisper to myself, "Smile. Remember to smile."
I wanted a venue to place this, it's still rough.
And, it isn't like anything I've posted before..
But, I'm still willing to share.
Please note this is a rough draft, please note any errors directly to me.
How you ever gotten so intoxicated by someone? You know what I'm talking about..
How the sound of his laugh makes your heart race.
The rumble of his voice makes your knees weak.
You just want to reach out and touch his smile,
trace your finger along the curve of his lips.
To get lost in his eyes.
How it would be enough just to live in his presence.
I've been spending a lot of time daydreaming lately. Which, as you know me, isn't always the best thing in the world. When I allow myself to feel, to really let go, it always seems inevitable that the other shoe will drop.
But, in that moment.
Frolicking in the grass with the sun warming my snow white skin, it all seems worth it. To see the water glisten, the birds sing, and to just be free.
I often wonder, if I spread out my arms.
Will I soar? Will the wind lift me up and take me away? How would it feel, to just be.
Bringing myself to the cliff's edge,
I question my sanity. Is it even possible to feel this free, to feel this alive? If I tumble down, I know what awaits. The darkness that will swallow me whole, tear me apart til I become just a shell of who I hoped to be.
Teetering on the edge,
Looking below then back and above again.
My heart has now found it's residence in the throat and that's when I let go.
Falling.
Tumbling.
Soaring.
I just exhale.
Arms spread wide, hair dancing behind me, and a smile on my face.
Beep, beep, beep.
I'm jolted awake, my hands searching around my silken gray sheets to locate my phone. Pressing the snooze button, I roll back over. Pulling my sheets up and over my shoulders.
I lay there in silence.
Exhaling as my finger draws into the sheets.
Tracing the shape of his lips, I smile once again.
I know if I spoke out loud, I'd break this trance.
That as soon as I spoke, he would be gone.
He would dissipate like the dew does from my tulips planted in the garden, like the condensation from my coffee pot does every morning. And, I'm not ready for that.
I'm not ready yet to let go.
Only if my alarm felt the same way.
Beep, beep, beep.
Another exhale.
Picking up my phone, the screen blinding me as it stares into my golden eyes. 5:45 AM displayed brightly on the black and white city landscape background. I know it's time to let go.
Peeling back my sheets, I swing my legs over to the edge of my bed where my feet come into contact with the cold wooden floor. Great, another brisk winter morning. How I wish I could just stay in these sheets.
I make my way through my bedroom and into my bathroom. With a flick of a light, the whites of the walls give my eyes yet another rude awakening. I really should think about painting these walls, it's beginning to look more like a hotel bathroom than one that belongs in a house. From the white walls to the black counter tops that house the only color found in this room. A black vase with an assortment of dying flowers, dropping over it's neck sits directly in the middle of two porcelain sinks.
Sigh.
I really need to remember to get another bouquet before this one dies off entirely. Making a mental note to pick one up after my meeting, I get into the shower. As the warm water pours down along me, saturating my long brown curls, I find myself beginning to daydream once again.
Lathering the soap across my body,
I wonder what his hands would feel like instead. How the cool air of his breath would feel against the back of my neck.
I really need to stop doing this to myself.
Allowing myself to live within this fantasy of "could bes" and should bes".
Turning the shower off, I wrap my white towel tightly around me after drying myself. I move to the counter and begin my morning routine. I brush my teeth, blow dry my hair, and apply light coat of mascara. I only glance into the mirror after I've completed.
I notice how the bags under my eyes are gotten darker, how I look tired. How my lips have paled and are beginning to crack. I force a smile to my face. Time to put that mask up, I mentally tell myself.
I venture back into my bedroom, having left the towel hanging from the door. I move into my closet, another flick of a light. This time the light isn't so harsh as it bounces off the walls filled with clothes, sorted by color, each divided by cubicles of shoes.
I think how OCD of me every time I enter this room. I call it a room because it's half the size of my bathroom and much like my bathroom, it holds mostly black and white articles of clothing with a splash of gray.
Opening up the drawer from the center island, I pull out my under garments; a white laced bra with matching underwear and my stockings. I clasp the bra behind my back and put on the panties. Taking a seat upon the bench, I pull up the nude stockings, scaling them up my legs until both reach the swell of my thighs.
Once again, on my feet. I pull on gray pencil shirt, tucking in a white button down shirt and slip on a pair of black heels.
Click, click.
Flick.
I exit the closet and make my way down the staircase. My house is far too big for me and Jackson; white fluff ball of a cat, who is hiding somewhere. Especially after he who shall not be mentioned by anything but G, moved out almost a year ago. But, I can't help but to still be in love with the place.
The fireplace in the living room, the chandelier above the cherry wood dining table, the stainless steel appliances against the granite countertops and not to mention the incredible view of the mountains in my room.
Flick.
The light spools over my kitchen as I move to make a fresh pot of coffee. I know I should take my father's advice and look into finding some roommates. He tells me each time he speaks to me, "Jennilee, it's not good for a 24year old woman to live in a house so empty." "It's so quiet, can't you find someone to share it with?" "Jennilee, have you looked at the apartments I sent you? I know a family who would love the house."
I just can't imagine sharing my home with a stranger. And, I know I'm not ready to leave this house with all the memories it holds. Pouring coffee into my white travel mug, I gather my keys from the table and move toward the door.
Flick.
Click, click.
I place my mug and keys on the glass top of the end table by my door. I pull on my black pea coat, wrap a lavender scarf around my neck, and swoop back up my belongings.
Exhale.
Smile.
Remember to smile.
I pull open the door, the snow still spilling the sky falls upon my coat as I lock the door behind me. I turn from the door, walking down the steps, I whisper to myself, "Smile. Remember to smile."
Black.
Have you ever wished that you could find someone -- family, friend or other, that you could just let go and be yourself with? Someone you didn't have to wear a mask around or put up this wall? Someone who you could share your struggle without feeling like a burden?
But, anytime you come close, you pull away?
It's exhausting sometimes to be alone.
I'm so ready to overcome this spell that I've been stuck in.
This darkness that has been consuming me since the 11th.
I'm just.. tired.
Twenty-Sixteen
As Twenty-Sixteen quickly approaches each of us, I'm sure there are a handful that have began narrowing down what they want their new years resolution to be. Whether that's to live a healthier lifestyle, quit smoking or take up a new form of hobby -- we all often fail to follow through with what we wanted to accomplish in that year. Each year, looking back, I wonder what happened that I didn't accomplish what I had set out to do. Was it lack of commitment, lack of time, lack of drive or was it simply because I decided (before even trying) that it was going to be something that I wouldn't be able to finish/complete anyway? And, yet, I still can't quite narrow it down.
So, I'm going to start this new year off with a different attitude. A new perspective and a new understanding of what it is that I'm going to set out to do. I'll let you know how this all works out for me because I do hope to get on here more frequently (as I've said so many times in the past) to really expose what's going on inside my head and what emotions that I'm feeling. Since my lack of entries, I've found myself slipping away from where I had come. In many aspects, this blog has allowed myself to open up and to change my behaviors and outlook but I also feel that I still have quite a ways to grow and more things to learn. I look forward to continue this journey with each of you.
Happy Holidays and I do hope that each of you had a very Merry Christmas.
And, I will see you each soon with what I set out to accomplish in the New Year.
/Insert Witty Title Here
So, I started writing this as a FB status [if we aren't friends there, why the hell not?!]
and realized that it was entirely too long to go as a quick update.
Thus why it finding it's way to my blog.
Don't you hate when you genuinely miss someone? You go to compose a message, text or give
them a call with all these emotions that you want to say.. but, when it comes to hitting
send or the call button, you just can't do it. Whether the reason is fear or because you
just don't know how to articulate the words you want to express.
So, now you are just stuck there.. missing an individual that you desperately wish to no
longer miss anymore. You just want to reconnect with them. It doesn't matter the time it's
been since you last spoke; months, years, days or weeks.
You may even take the time to stalk their social media sites. Of course, you have convinced
yourself that it is totally normal and that everyone else does it. I'll let you in on something,
that definitely isn't the case nor is it healthy to do so.
Don't be afraid to take the time to say a quick word, you never know who is sitting there missing
you as well.
and realized that it was entirely too long to go as a quick update.
Thus why it finding it's way to my blog.
Don't you hate when you genuinely miss someone? You go to compose a message, text or give
them a call with all these emotions that you want to say.. but, when it comes to hitting
send or the call button, you just can't do it. Whether the reason is fear or because you
just don't know how to articulate the words you want to express.
So, now you are just stuck there.. missing an individual that you desperately wish to no
longer miss anymore. You just want to reconnect with them. It doesn't matter the time it's
been since you last spoke; months, years, days or weeks.
You may even take the time to stalk their social media sites. Of course, you have convinced
yourself that it is totally normal and that everyone else does it. I'll let you in on something,
that definitely isn't the case nor is it healthy to do so.
Don't be afraid to take the time to say a quick word, you never know who is sitting there missing
you as well.
Best Friends.
Laughter is like the sunrise; it brings a light to the dark and hope of a new beginning.I've often been told that laughter is the best medicine.
And, I truly believe that it is. Laughter can change your day from something dull to something magical.
As someone who has faced many demons throughout my years, I've come to realize that the best thing to
do is surround yourself with people who truly love you -- those who will do anything to bring a light to your life
and stay around when it all goes dark.
I must say that I've been blessed with the friends that I've met and came across.
I've lost friendships throughout my struggles but the ones that I've held onto
have become even stronger and motivated me to
push for my goals and achieve things
that I didn't think that I would ever be able to accomplish. Whether that is work related
or becoming open with my history -- the things that I've faced and still continue to face.
I don't ever like to call out names of people that have influenced my behaviors
as I'm always afraid that I'm going to miss someone that was key to my change but
I feel like this is one of those times that I want to call out people in my life. I'm not
doing this to just call out everyone in my life but a few individuals. If you are not
listed please do not feel like I haven't valued your input throughout my journey and that I still
don't continue to value it. This isn't a matter of whether YOU are important in my life because honestly
YOU are.
I'm not going to list my family here because that's a given and I let them know on a daily basis
that I both love and respect them. However, who I am going to list -- well, this is what I want to say to you.
THANK YOU.
from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have stood by me -- read my entries, came to me offering solace, given me advice or brought a smile to my face with a funny video or a silly joke. You have motivated me to continue to work on being more open with the people in my life and given me the courage to do so. You've shown me that not everyone is out to get everyone. There are people in this world that are truly there just to help you through life not there to destroy you. You've put up with my white girl sass, my "emo" days and never once have you failed me in my time of need. You are some of the most important people in my life and I love you to bits.
Brandon and Gabe for pushing me and always being there.
For consistently reading my entries and coming to me afterwards.
For showing me what a best friend really is about.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you two.
Encouragement.
Life isn't easy.
In fact, it's fucking hard. People are cruel, unfair and selfish. Decisions that we make can lead to feeling down, lonely or confused. Our past can darken our future. Sometimes we will feel lost and sometimes we will wonder the dreaded what if.
I knows it's a cold, dark place.
But, here's my flashlight.. Here's my love. Take comfort in me. Lean on me when you can't stand. Cry if you wish, I have kleenexes and will kiss away your tears.
I will follow you into the dark and lead you back.
I love you.
Rant: Couples.
I feel like I need to vent here for a quick minute.
Most of the time I am the type to just keep my mouth shut and just go with the flow; whether a situation involves me or not. It's not that I don't like confrontation, I simply just can't stand drama. Women tend to take things way too far, hold grudges, make snide comments and just act like a total bitch. All of which I just don't have the time for nor do I want to partake in it.
So, let's break down what my vent blogs -- which will come in a set of three (for the time being) are going to cover. Let's be honest, if I don't post what I'm "raging" about now, by the time I get around to making my next entry, I will have forgotten all together was I was upset about.
1. Couples -- in general.
2. People who make harsh judgments.
3. Assumptions.
Why? Because, I wish to. Perhaps it is because I am a single (sometimes biter) young woman who can be rather act disgusted by the way people act rather than simply be happy for those 'in love'. I'm not quite sure. All, I do know is that I do not understand people. I dun think that I have ever truly understood anyone. I honestly dun even understand myself for the most part, but this isn't going to be about me. It's going to be about couples. [As always, I will make references about myself or my beliefs -- and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.]
Happy Couples.
Okay, we get that you are happy. But, honestly.. it gets a little much to see you oogle over each other at every possible moment. This can be expanded further than PDAs in public places but onto social media; "hacking" each other's FB, long drawn out status updates and photographs. I know that I have also fallen into this habit in the past, but I can say now that I will not allow it to happen again. You should be happy with who you are with but there should also be a line. A line that shouldn't be crossed. Your world should not revolve around this one person. Do you honestly think that you will even last? Let alone last to the point where you are old and gray? Let's be real with each other. You won't. I will be surprised if you last even a few years. Now, to be fair. It will not be because you both won't try but because you are two people who are acting like one person instead of two. Also, get off of your high horse. You are going to read this and assume I meant you. I don't. I am speaking about NO one couple in general. Also.. For the love of all that is good in the world, shut posting photographs of you two kissing on your Facebook and "hacking" your significant other's page. We all see through that lie. It's not cute either..
Falling into the same pattern Couples.
What irks me more than those who 'can't live without each other' are those who can't simply move on from each other. I use to believe that one day I would return to a person from my past. That things would fall where they belong. That I would have this fairytale ending. HAH. Wrong. But, again.. this isn't about me. People ought to take a step back from their situation and look at the root of why they didn't make it the first time around. Was it cheating? Distance? Bordeom? And, do you honestly think that it has changed? Nah, it hasn't. It isn't going to change. You continue going back to something you are comfortable with, for whatever reason. Most likely because you are scared of something new or something that requires some sort of a future instead of this game you continue to play. Even though this isn't about me, I will admit that I am a same pattern type of person. HOWEVER, I have begun to break this mold. And, honestly, everyone else should as well. The outcome of your relationship will never change, you are not good together and never will be. Sip on a cold cup of reality, for your own sake. Also.. Stop dwelling on what could of been with that person. It's over, Boo. They don't want you anymore.
One Sided Couples.
Even with just those three words, you know that you can think of a couple in your life that fall into this. You know where the counter-part is just that bit more of a mess than the other, or that more needy. Where you almost feel bad for the other half because they probably didn't realize what they were getting themselves into. It's probably the worst type of relationship to be in. I mean, who wants to feel for someone that they know cares less for them? I'm sure some of you are going to say that love isn't some fighting ground, there isn't a winner but rather a team. Oh, bullshit. That's why you can hear, at any given moment, couples who fell into the first category saying that they love each other more. It's why someone takes the next step before the other person. It's what takes relationships to their next level. I really think that these type of relationship occur because someone isn't secure enough in themselves. For whatever reason they have, they feel like they are lesser of a person than others. Maybe they just feed off of the pity that people give them, I'm not quite sure. I just know that they also annoy the fuck out of me.
You are probably thinking the following at this point, I know I would be. Is there enough such a thing as a perfect couple to you, Crystal? Or, are you just going to continue to bitch about every one because you can't seem to keep a relationship. And, to answer you. Yes, there is. A couple that fights,
a couple that laughs, a couple that grows, a couple that act as two NOT one, a couple that expresses, a couple that are friends (first and foremost) and a couple that can see the errors in each other's ways. They call each other out on one another's bullshit; clingy, demanding, and annoying behaviors.
/Rant.
Most of the time I am the type to just keep my mouth shut and just go with the flow; whether a situation involves me or not. It's not that I don't like confrontation, I simply just can't stand drama. Women tend to take things way too far, hold grudges, make snide comments and just act like a total bitch. All of which I just don't have the time for nor do I want to partake in it.
So, let's break down what my vent blogs -- which will come in a set of three (for the time being) are going to cover. Let's be honest, if I don't post what I'm "raging" about now, by the time I get around to making my next entry, I will have forgotten all together was I was upset about.
1. Couples -- in general.
2. People who make harsh judgments.
3. Assumptions.
Couples.
Yes, I am gun rant/vent 'bout couples.Why? Because, I wish to. Perhaps it is because I am a single (sometimes biter) young woman who can be rather act disgusted by the way people act rather than simply be happy for those 'in love'. I'm not quite sure. All, I do know is that I do not understand people. I dun think that I have ever truly understood anyone. I honestly dun even understand myself for the most part, but this isn't going to be about me. It's going to be about couples. [As always, I will make references about myself or my beliefs -- and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.]
Happy Couples.
Okay, we get that you are happy. But, honestly.. it gets a little much to see you oogle over each other at every possible moment. This can be expanded further than PDAs in public places but onto social media; "hacking" each other's FB, long drawn out status updates and photographs. I know that I have also fallen into this habit in the past, but I can say now that I will not allow it to happen again. You should be happy with who you are with but there should also be a line. A line that shouldn't be crossed. Your world should not revolve around this one person. Do you honestly think that you will even last? Let alone last to the point where you are old and gray? Let's be real with each other. You won't. I will be surprised if you last even a few years. Now, to be fair. It will not be because you both won't try but because you are two people who are acting like one person instead of two. Also, get off of your high horse. You are going to read this and assume I meant you. I don't. I am speaking about NO one couple in general. Also.. For the love of all that is good in the world, shut posting photographs of you two kissing on your Facebook and "hacking" your significant other's page. We all see through that lie. It's not cute either..
Falling into the same pattern Couples.
What irks me more than those who 'can't live without each other' are those who can't simply move on from each other. I use to believe that one day I would return to a person from my past. That things would fall where they belong. That I would have this fairytale ending. HAH. Wrong. But, again.. this isn't about me. People ought to take a step back from their situation and look at the root of why they didn't make it the first time around. Was it cheating? Distance? Bordeom? And, do you honestly think that it has changed? Nah, it hasn't. It isn't going to change. You continue going back to something you are comfortable with, for whatever reason. Most likely because you are scared of something new or something that requires some sort of a future instead of this game you continue to play. Even though this isn't about me, I will admit that I am a same pattern type of person. HOWEVER, I have begun to break this mold. And, honestly, everyone else should as well. The outcome of your relationship will never change, you are not good together and never will be. Sip on a cold cup of reality, for your own sake. Also.. Stop dwelling on what could of been with that person. It's over, Boo. They don't want you anymore.
One Sided Couples.
Even with just those three words, you know that you can think of a couple in your life that fall into this. You know where the counter-part is just that bit more of a mess than the other, or that more needy. Where you almost feel bad for the other half because they probably didn't realize what they were getting themselves into. It's probably the worst type of relationship to be in. I mean, who wants to feel for someone that they know cares less for them? I'm sure some of you are going to say that love isn't some fighting ground, there isn't a winner but rather a team. Oh, bullshit. That's why you can hear, at any given moment, couples who fell into the first category saying that they love each other more. It's why someone takes the next step before the other person. It's what takes relationships to their next level. I really think that these type of relationship occur because someone isn't secure enough in themselves. For whatever reason they have, they feel like they are lesser of a person than others. Maybe they just feed off of the pity that people give them, I'm not quite sure. I just know that they also annoy the fuck out of me.
You are probably thinking the following at this point, I know I would be. Is there enough such a thing as a perfect couple to you, Crystal? Or, are you just going to continue to bitch about every one because you can't seem to keep a relationship. And, to answer you. Yes, there is. A couple that fights,
a couple that laughs, a couple that grows, a couple that act as two NOT one, a couple that expresses, a couple that are friends (first and foremost) and a couple that can see the errors in each other's ways. They call each other out on one another's bullshit; clingy, demanding, and annoying behaviors.
/Rant.
Hopeless Romantic.
I was told that I am a hopeless romantic today.
It wasn't the first time that I've been told this, and it won't be the last.
I honestly should have been born in the 1800s.
I believe in true love.
I believe in Soul-Mates.
I believe in Prince Charming
-- oh if my life were a Disney Movie.
I was told that I need to raise my Standards.
I was told that I deserve better than the pain they inflict.
Now, it's just believing those words.
I want someone who loves me.
I mean, really loves me. Who would lasso the moon and capture the stars if he could for me.
A man who does romantic gestures.
Like, names a star after me. Writes me a silly love poem. Calls me just to say I miss you.
I want a Man who makes me feel safe.
Who's fingertips will caress away any feeling of doubt I have.
I want a Man who isn't afraid to hold my hand.
Who will kiss me on the forehead in the middle of the night or hold me close when I cry.
I want a Man who isn't afraid to show me his heart.
Why? Because he knows that I won't hurt him.
I want a Man who rather stay at home cuddling with me, then out at a club.
I want someone who is mature.
I want someone that when they look at me, they see the beauty within me.
Someone that knows my heart, and wants to protect it.
Who would do nothing to hurt it.
I want someone who will never lie to me.
I want a Man who will never cheat.
Who finds the thought of that repulsive.
I want a Man who knows what they want in life.
I want a Man to complete my Fairy Tale that I have embedded in my Mind.
I want a Man who is strong.
So I never have to worry when I close my eyes at night.
I want a Man who is funny.
Tells me the cheesiest jokes because he wants to see me smile.
Someone cares about people and has a heart of gold.
I want someone who wants me and only me.
That when he thinks of the future, it's me he sees.
I want someone that will watch me sleep.
Not because he is afraid I'll leave, but because he is so happy to have me.
I want someone that finds comfort in playing with my hair.
Or listening to my heart beat as he drifts to sleep.
I want a Man who knows that I fall hard.
But falls just as hard. So he will catch me when I tumble.
I want him to inform me when I'm being ridiculous.
Because he knows I'd do the same with him.
I want someone to have pity fights with.
Because we know that ten seconds later we'll be fine.
I want someone who is willing to fight for me.
I really just want someone to prove he isn't afraid to exist..
I set my Standards high, so scum can't continue to make their
way into my heart. It's far too fragile for anymore games.
It wasn't the first time that I've been told this, and it won't be the last.
I honestly should have been born in the 1800s.
I believe in true love.
I believe in Soul-Mates.
I believe in Prince Charming
-- oh if my life were a Disney Movie.
I was told that I need to raise my Standards.
I was told that I deserve better than the pain they inflict.
Now, it's just believing those words.
I want someone who loves me.
I mean, really loves me. Who would lasso the moon and capture the stars if he could for me.
A man who does romantic gestures.
Like, names a star after me. Writes me a silly love poem. Calls me just to say I miss you.
I want a Man who makes me feel safe.
Who's fingertips will caress away any feeling of doubt I have.
I want a Man who isn't afraid to hold my hand.
Who will kiss me on the forehead in the middle of the night or hold me close when I cry.
I want a Man who isn't afraid to show me his heart.
Why? Because he knows that I won't hurt him.
I want a Man who rather stay at home cuddling with me, then out at a club.
I want someone who is mature.
I want someone that when they look at me, they see the beauty within me.
Someone that knows my heart, and wants to protect it.
Who would do nothing to hurt it.
I want someone who will never lie to me.
I want a Man who will never cheat.
Who finds the thought of that repulsive.
I want a Man who knows what they want in life.
I want a Man to complete my Fairy Tale that I have embedded in my Mind.
I want a Man who is strong.
So I never have to worry when I close my eyes at night.
I want a Man who is funny.
Tells me the cheesiest jokes because he wants to see me smile.
Someone cares about people and has a heart of gold.
I want someone who wants me and only me.
That when he thinks of the future, it's me he sees.
I want someone that will watch me sleep.
Not because he is afraid I'll leave, but because he is so happy to have me.
I want someone that finds comfort in playing with my hair.
Or listening to my heart beat as he drifts to sleep.
I want a Man who knows that I fall hard.
But falls just as hard. So he will catch me when I tumble.
I want him to inform me when I'm being ridiculous.
Because he knows I'd do the same with him.
I want someone to have pity fights with.
Because we know that ten seconds later we'll be fine.
I want someone who is willing to fight for me.
I really just want someone to prove he isn't afraid to exist..
I set my Standards high, so scum can't continue to make their
way into my heart. It's far too fragile for anymore games.
I want..
It's been so long since I last blogged that y'all probably don't even remember who I am! D:
Hi! My name is Crystal.. Sometimes I blog but mostly I don't.
I consistently promise to get better and make more entries but
I have continued to not come through on a that promise.
As some of you may know -- I recently had my heart broken.
Don't worry, I'm healing. I now truly understand that only time
cures..
However,
because of that situation, I was able to take some time to reflect.
I've used this opportunity to really figure out what I wanted for myself.
Again, some of you may know that I've been quite adamant that I don't
want a relationship - that I didn't want to burden someone with my "baggage".
But,
I've come to the conclusion that I want someone.
I want to have a future with someone.
I want to get married and (this hasn't changed) have kids.
I want to open myself up to another person.
I want to love and be loved without restrictions.
Now,
It's just to continue healing and figure out how I want to start this next
journey in my life!
Hi! My name is Crystal.. Sometimes I blog but mostly I don't.
I consistently promise to get better and make more entries but
I have continued to not come through on a that promise.
As some of you may know -- I recently had my heart broken.
Don't worry, I'm healing. I now truly understand that only time
cures..
However,
because of that situation, I was able to take some time to reflect.
I've used this opportunity to really figure out what I wanted for myself.
Again, some of you may know that I've been quite adamant that I don't
want a relationship - that I didn't want to burden someone with my "baggage".
But,
I've come to the conclusion that I want someone.
I want to have a future with someone.
I want to get married and (this hasn't changed) have kids.
I want to open myself up to another person.
I want to love and be loved without restrictions.
Now,
It's just to continue healing and figure out how I want to start this next
journey in my life!
Bubble Bath Nonsense
Ive been spending quality time each time in a bubble bath.
As most of you already know, I hurt myself quite badly at work.
For those of you that don't know, I punctured my buttcheek with
a fixture leaving behind a nice wound. As part of a cleaning
process, I bathe nightly.
I've been using this time to either watch a movie or YouTube.
Tonight I figured I would use it to blog. This post is not going
to be like anything else that I've posted. So, click away now if
you aren't interested in mindless rambles...
Oh, so you've stayed?
That's one of the many reasons that I adore you.
Speaking of adoring.. I'm in love lately with scents.
So, I'm going to take this time to share with you my shower
scents!
Shampoo and Conditioner: Biolage ColorLast in the scent of Orchid.
** My hair hasn't been colored in over a year but I love the smell.
Shower Gel: Caress in scent of Scarlet Blossom
-- Red Lychee and Patchouli Oil
Face Scrub: Bodycology in the scent of Runaway Heart
-- Blend of raspberries, lemon sorbet and musk.
Bubble bath: Be Enchanted from B&BW
-- Blend of pomegranate, petals, passionfruit, vanilla and musk
Lotion: Paris Amour from B&BW
-- Blend of tulips, Apple blossoms, pink champagne and sandalwood
Candle: Cranberry Pear by Febreze
Face Cream: Olay Moisturizer in Lavender
Hair Cream: Pantene ProV Overnight Serum
I think this was more fun for me than it was for you!
As most of you already know, I hurt myself quite badly at work.
For those of you that don't know, I punctured my buttcheek with
a fixture leaving behind a nice wound. As part of a cleaning
process, I bathe nightly.
I've been using this time to either watch a movie or YouTube.
Tonight I figured I would use it to blog. This post is not going
to be like anything else that I've posted. So, click away now if
you aren't interested in mindless rambles...
Oh, so you've stayed?
That's one of the many reasons that I adore you.
Speaking of adoring.. I'm in love lately with scents.
So, I'm going to take this time to share with you my shower
scents!
Shampoo and Conditioner: Biolage ColorLast in the scent of Orchid.
** My hair hasn't been colored in over a year but I love the smell.
Shower Gel: Caress in scent of Scarlet Blossom
-- Red Lychee and Patchouli Oil
Face Scrub: Bodycology in the scent of Runaway Heart
-- Blend of raspberries, lemon sorbet and musk.
Bubble bath: Be Enchanted from B&BW
-- Blend of pomegranate, petals, passionfruit, vanilla and musk
Lotion: Paris Amour from B&BW
-- Blend of tulips, Apple blossoms, pink champagne and sandalwood
Candle: Cranberry Pear by Febreze
Face Cream: Olay Moisturizer in Lavender
Hair Cream: Pantene ProV Overnight Serum
I think this was more fun for me than it was for you!
Drowning in Myself.
Do you ever feel like everything hurts?
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think, it hurts to just be awake.
Your throat feels like it is closing and you are drowning.
I feel like I'm being held underwater and no matter how many
times that I gasp and grasp that I get no where. I'm always stuck
in this same position..
One these days,
I just want to cry. I want to curl up and not exist.
I just want to sleep until it's all over.
I wish I knew what triggered these episodes.
I wish I knew how to stop these triggers.
I want to be able to talk to someone about what's going on.
I want to be able to feel 'normal' and not be controlled by
my own mind. Yet, every time I start to open my mouth..
I can't find the words.
I hate being afraid.
It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think, it hurts to just be awake.
Your throat feels like it is closing and you are drowning.
I feel like I'm being held underwater and no matter how many
times that I gasp and grasp that I get no where. I'm always stuck
in this same position..
One these days,
I just want to cry. I want to curl up and not exist.
I just want to sleep until it's all over.
I wish I knew what triggered these episodes.
I wish I knew how to stop these triggers.
I want to be able to talk to someone about what's going on.
I want to be able to feel 'normal' and not be controlled by
my own mind. Yet, every time I start to open my mouth..
I can't find the words.
I hate being afraid.
My Heart it Bleeds [Entry 07]
Hello, There.
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I'm going to sidebar for this entry and speak out about a conversation that I just had with my mother on a few things that still heavily relate to my history/past. And, that I wanted to continue thinking about and figuring out in my head.
I'm very close with my Mother.
She's my best friend.
Yes, I'm greatly disappointed by her choices and decisions.
And, she knows it.
However, we can't go back and change it.
We were talking about it tonight.. I'll explain how it came up a little bit later.
She told me that she did what she thought was best for us girls. She stated that
she didn't understand why we didn't tell her what was going on. I explained that
a person can only tell someone something if they truly take the time to listen and
not to just make excuses.
I'm sure that I've covered this.
It was only "It was how he was raised.." "He was military.."
It was never "I'm sorry" "Let me follow up to this.."
I'll have to reread my past entries to see where I really left off so I can get more
into my mother's involvement in my history so I won't dig too deep into it.
The concern we have right now is with my nephew and my sister.
It's heartbreaking to hear my nephew tell me what he doesn't want to go home
to my sister. That he is begging and crying to let him stay with us. He tells us that
she is mean to him.
How does a three year old (almost four) know what mean is?
He surely can't lie about what is mean.
He speaks about flicking and pulling ears.
He speaks about eating soap -- she makes him eat soap if he doesn't do something she wants.
[I've had my fair share of dawn soap from my father. If you never had it -- it's horrible]
He says that mommy is mean and that daddy is mean.
He also says that grandpa is mean.
How can my sister not listen to her son?
How can she submit him to any pain?
Why didn't she learn from my Mother's mistakes?
It hurts me to know he is mad. That he is sad.
and that I'm unable to protect him from being swallowed by darkness.
/Post.
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I'm going to sidebar for this entry and speak out about a conversation that I just had with my mother on a few things that still heavily relate to my history/past. And, that I wanted to continue thinking about and figuring out in my head.
I'm very close with my Mother.
She's my best friend.
Yes, I'm greatly disappointed by her choices and decisions.
And, she knows it.
However, we can't go back and change it.
We were talking about it tonight.. I'll explain how it came up a little bit later.
She told me that she did what she thought was best for us girls. She stated that
she didn't understand why we didn't tell her what was going on. I explained that
a person can only tell someone something if they truly take the time to listen and
not to just make excuses.
I'm sure that I've covered this.
It was only "It was how he was raised.." "He was military.."
It was never "I'm sorry" "Let me follow up to this.."
I'll have to reread my past entries to see where I really left off so I can get more
into my mother's involvement in my history so I won't dig too deep into it.
The concern we have right now is with my nephew and my sister.
It's heartbreaking to hear my nephew tell me what he doesn't want to go home
to my sister. That he is begging and crying to let him stay with us. He tells us that
she is mean to him.
How does a three year old (almost four) know what mean is?
He surely can't lie about what is mean.
He speaks about flicking and pulling ears.
He speaks about eating soap -- she makes him eat soap if he doesn't do something she wants.
[I've had my fair share of dawn soap from my father. If you never had it -- it's horrible]
He says that mommy is mean and that daddy is mean.
He also says that grandpa is mean.
How can my sister not listen to her son?
How can she submit him to any pain?
Why didn't she learn from my Mother's mistakes?
It hurts me to know he is mad. That he is sad.
and that I'm unable to protect him from being swallowed by darkness.
/Post.
According to Crystal: Top 10 Video Games
I haven't done a series in a while.
I haven't even completed my last one.. but, you all know how I am. Or you should after all this time that we've spent together. I'm always wanting to start new things but failing to have the drive to finish them off. So, let's start another one and stop before we finish?
This series will be According to Crystal.
It will vary on subjects; love, lust, video games, life, work.
I can't promise the substance on these topics but I can tell you that they will be my thoughts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Video Games
10. Left 4 Dead Series
Although the storyline is simply just to survive. It's great to pair with your friends in order to survive against zombies. Zombies are always the best things in the world -- aren't they? I still remember the first time that I heard a witch cry. I remember how afraid I was and the nightmares that I would have. This is the first game that I played online with other people and I was sooo nervous to do such.
09. The Walking Dead
08. State of Decay
07. Saints Row 04
06. Sleeping Dogs
05. Assassin's Creed 03
04. Fallout 03
03. Grand Theft Auto V
02. LA Noire
01. The Last of Us
TLOU still makes my heart go OW. I still can't stop thinking about Ellie and Joel. I miss the game terribly even though I just finished it a couple of days ago.. I've already restarted the game!! If you haven't played it -- please play it. I'll definitely be writing a blog at a later date which will be all about this game. SPOILERS will be had in it.
Honorable Mentions; Contrast, Alice: Madness Returns, Bioshock Infinite, Batman: Arkham City, Modern Warfare 3, [all] Gears of War.
I haven't even completed my last one.. but, you all know how I am. Or you should after all this time that we've spent together. I'm always wanting to start new things but failing to have the drive to finish them off. So, let's start another one and stop before we finish?
This series will be According to Crystal.
It will vary on subjects; love, lust, video games, life, work.
I can't promise the substance on these topics but I can tell you that they will be my thoughts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Video Games
10. Left 4 Dead Series
Although the storyline is simply just to survive. It's great to pair with your friends in order to survive against zombies. Zombies are always the best things in the world -- aren't they? I still remember the first time that I heard a witch cry. I remember how afraid I was and the nightmares that I would have. This is the first game that I played online with other people and I was sooo nervous to do such.
09. The Walking Dead
08. State of Decay
07. Saints Row 04
06. Sleeping Dogs
05. Assassin's Creed 03
04. Fallout 03
03. Grand Theft Auto V
02. LA Noire
01. The Last of Us
TLOU still makes my heart go OW. I still can't stop thinking about Ellie and Joel. I miss the game terribly even though I just finished it a couple of days ago.. I've already restarted the game!! If you haven't played it -- please play it. I'll definitely be writing a blog at a later date which will be all about this game. SPOILERS will be had in it.
Honorable Mentions; Contrast, Alice: Madness Returns, Bioshock Infinite, Batman: Arkham City, Modern Warfare 3, [all] Gears of War.
Lonely in the Real World.
I go through phases.
Phases upon which I'm greatly appreciative to be single and then there are moments upon which I am currently in the midst of. Moments wherein I want to be exclusive with another person. Where I want to be admired, showered with affection and someone's desire.
I want to receive those texts at 4:00 in the morning that just say that they are thinking of me. I want those good morning beautiful texts to wake me in the morning. I miss the intimacy that is shared amongst two people that genuinely care for one another.
I also miss the sexual side of things.
I miss kissing.. God, I love kissing. I miss sex -- for once, I won't go into any further details.
I miss the adventure.
Of not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring or where we will end up.
At the end of the day,
I just want to crawl into my bed and curl into him.
Phases upon which I'm greatly appreciative to be single and then there are moments upon which I am currently in the midst of. Moments wherein I want to be exclusive with another person. Where I want to be admired, showered with affection and someone's desire.
I want to receive those texts at 4:00 in the morning that just say that they are thinking of me. I want those good morning beautiful texts to wake me in the morning. I miss the intimacy that is shared amongst two people that genuinely care for one another.
I also miss the sexual side of things.
I miss kissing.. God, I love kissing. I miss sex -- for once, I won't go into any further details.
I miss the adventure.
Of not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring or where we will end up.
At the end of the day,
I just want to crawl into my bed and curl into him.
Free Speech
I'm incredibly displeased right now.
I initially created this blog as something that I could type anything I wanted to and say what I pleased, how I chose. I didn't plan to create any of the posts that I have nor to cover some of the subjects that I have.However, I'm extremely pleased that I have.
I have been able to expose myself in manners that I hadn't thought possible and truly gained more self awareness and happiness from sharing myself with you.
Have I pushed the envelope to what someone deems appropriate to share?
Yes, probably but it is MY blog -- where I should be able to say and do as I please.
So, to see the following posted on Blogger has upset me.
************************************************************************************
Adult content policy on Blogger
Starting March 23, 2015, you won't be able to publicly share images and videos that are sexually explicit or show graphic nudity on Blogger.
Note: We’ll still allow nudity if the content offers a substantial public benefit. For example, in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts.
If your existing blog does have sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video, your blog will be made private after March 23, 2015. No content will be deleted, but private content can only be seen by the owner or admins of the blog and the people who the owner has shared the blog with.
*************************************************************************************
I will begin looking into other blogging websites and will keep you updated if something changes via my social media websites; Vampire Freaks or Facebook. Because Lord knows the majority of my posts have been 'sexually explicit' in the past.
Note: We’ll still allow nudity if the content offers a substantial public benefit. For example, in artistic, educational, documentary, or scientific contexts.
Changes you’ll see to your existing blogs
If your existing blog doesn’t have any sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video on it, you won’t notice any changes.If your existing blog does have sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video, your blog will be made private after March 23, 2015. No content will be deleted, but private content can only be seen by the owner or admins of the blog and the people who the owner has shared the blog with.
Settings you can update for existing blogs
If your blog was created before March 23, 2015, and contains content that violates our new policy, you have a few options for changing your blog before the new policy starts:- Remove sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video from your blog
- Mark your blog as private
Effect on new blogs
For any blogs created after March 23, 2015, we may remove the blog or take other action if it includes content that's sexually explicit or shows graphic nudity as explained in our content policy.*************************************************************************************
I will begin looking into other blogging websites and will keep you updated if something changes via my social media websites; Vampire Freaks or Facebook. Because Lord knows the majority of my posts have been 'sexually explicit' in the past.
Last Night.
I’ve had this dream before.. Years ago but, I’ve recycled it again.
Does that ever happen to you?
It’s set in almost a post apocalyptic world. There is a light layer of dust that covers the ground which gives any greenery a dull, dry appearance. [for any of you gamers, picture fallout] It’s starts on a dirt road with Hector and Gabriel, the three of us are staring down the road watching as madness unfolds even though at the moment we are unaware of what we will be walking into. Our conversation on Mario Cart racing stops after I was teasing Gabriel that I came in second, of course Hector had been in first..
Ahead of us lays; two broken down cars appearing to have crashes into something as both are smoking. Further in the distance we see people, but they appear to moving differently than normal. Somehow Hector has a sniper and looks through the scope to confirm that they are not normal but zombies. He starts taking them out as we continue to move forward.
Out of the bushes on our right comes a tall lanky zombie equipped with some combination weapon of a chainsaw (I can’t even tell you what it was because I’m not sure). He moves slowly toward us. Hector signals us to move ahead, that he has him as he is the only one with a weapon. Obviously, I’m scared.. Despite that it feels just like a video game, I’m terrified out of my mind. However, we follow his instructions and move into the brush in the ditch. I cling to Gabriella’s arm and tease him that this is the closest I will get to holding his hand. In which, he rolls his eyes.
Then the dream jumps sequence to a small town.
Gabriella and I are searching through houses quietly to find weapons. We are upstairs in one, it’s an empty white room. To the left of the door which we entered to a closest and another opening to another room which we can see has guns hanging from the wall on a rack; a sawed off shotgun, a handgun, sniper and ak47. We crouch down and sneak into the room to the railing which below is the living room. [I don’t know how well I am describing this but, it basically has a hole in the floor, set up almost like a loft in a barn]. Gabriella whispers to activate my infrared. I question him on how — thinking that he is nuts and obviously been playing too much video games to think that we have IR. He told me with our brains and that he was having issues getting his to work. With nothing to lose, I did it. And, it worked.. Below us, I could make out nine moving bodies which we in the next room. I slowly and quietly moved to grab the guns for us; sniper for him, ak47 for me and the shotie for backup.
The dream jumped sequence again.
This time I’m alone. Somehow I’m on a lawnmower surrounded by these intellectual zombies which can’t see me. [whhaaaattt is even happening?] They believe my body is part of the lawnmower. The dream jumped around a lot here as I kept walking up to fall back into it. Any details of the dream are fuzzy.
Then it jumped again to a work related dream.
Which is a new addition to the dream but I will also say that I got a work text so that may be why it took another direction.
Odd dream, yes?
In conclusion, it reminds me a lot of an odd Silent Hill/Resident Evil in a Fallout setting.
Any ideas on what the fuck is going on in my brain??
Does that ever happen to you?
It’s set in almost a post apocalyptic world. There is a light layer of dust that covers the ground which gives any greenery a dull, dry appearance. [for any of you gamers, picture fallout] It’s starts on a dirt road with Hector and Gabriel, the three of us are staring down the road watching as madness unfolds even though at the moment we are unaware of what we will be walking into. Our conversation on Mario Cart racing stops after I was teasing Gabriel that I came in second, of course Hector had been in first..
Ahead of us lays; two broken down cars appearing to have crashes into something as both are smoking. Further in the distance we see people, but they appear to moving differently than normal. Somehow Hector has a sniper and looks through the scope to confirm that they are not normal but zombies. He starts taking them out as we continue to move forward.
Out of the bushes on our right comes a tall lanky zombie equipped with some combination weapon of a chainsaw (I can’t even tell you what it was because I’m not sure). He moves slowly toward us. Hector signals us to move ahead, that he has him as he is the only one with a weapon. Obviously, I’m scared.. Despite that it feels just like a video game, I’m terrified out of my mind. However, we follow his instructions and move into the brush in the ditch. I cling to Gabriella’s arm and tease him that this is the closest I will get to holding his hand. In which, he rolls his eyes.
Then the dream jumps sequence to a small town.
Gabriella and I are searching through houses quietly to find weapons. We are upstairs in one, it’s an empty white room. To the left of the door which we entered to a closest and another opening to another room which we can see has guns hanging from the wall on a rack; a sawed off shotgun, a handgun, sniper and ak47. We crouch down and sneak into the room to the railing which below is the living room. [I don’t know how well I am describing this but, it basically has a hole in the floor, set up almost like a loft in a barn]. Gabriella whispers to activate my infrared. I question him on how — thinking that he is nuts and obviously been playing too much video games to think that we have IR. He told me with our brains and that he was having issues getting his to work. With nothing to lose, I did it. And, it worked.. Below us, I could make out nine moving bodies which we in the next room. I slowly and quietly moved to grab the guns for us; sniper for him, ak47 for me and the shotie for backup.
The dream jumped sequence again.
This time I’m alone. Somehow I’m on a lawnmower surrounded by these intellectual zombies which can’t see me. [whhaaaattt is even happening?] They believe my body is part of the lawnmower. The dream jumped around a lot here as I kept walking up to fall back into it. Any details of the dream are fuzzy.
Then it jumped again to a work related dream.
Which is a new addition to the dream but I will also say that I got a work text so that may be why it took another direction.
Odd dream, yes?
In conclusion, it reminds me a lot of an odd Silent Hill/Resident Evil in a Fallout setting.
Any ideas on what the fuck is going on in my brain??
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