Journal Series: My Heart.. [Entry 06]

My Heart..it bleeds.

I could of let fear run my life..
in some aspects, it did for awhile.
It still haunts me to this day but, I became an actress.

As I have said before and I will continue to say, I don't fully remember my childhood.
I shared with you some of the things that I recalled from growing up, not everything, not yet.. we will get there. My sister recalls the majority of what I was faced with, which I would come to realize this fact much later in my life. As always, we will get to this a bit later.

More of what I remember..
I remember all his hurtful words; how he wished I hadn't been born, how I never did anything right, how he wished that I would be more like my sister. I didn't just feel the hate from him, but also from his parents. We (my sister and I) were never good enough for them either. They believed that he should of had sons, someone to carry on their family name. My cousin (on my father's side) Brandon, who was a year younger than I, would soon be their favorite.. despite how demented he was.

We didn't spend much time at my grandparents house.
No one ever truly got along. His mother was a complete bitch to everyone and his father spent most of his time on his recliner in front of the television sleeping.. I'm going to assume to drown out her nagging voice. The time that we did spend there, we were always outside. They lived on a big farm and there was plenty of land and space for us to play and pretend that we were Cops/Robbers/Indians. We could spend 6 hours out there and it would feel like it had only been 30 minutes. Brandon wasn't so bad growing up, he wanted to play a lot of what we did. He also enjoyed playing house with us. He would always want to be the father. Which seemed innocent at the time. It wouldn't be until we reached age 12 that I noticed his affection would change. His friends and him would make awful comments about wanting to do inappropriate things to me. I would ask to not go to my grandparents after that and would spend a lot of time in school avoiding him. I had to go to the principle's office a few times to turn them in and file compliants about them.

I can recall all the times that I tried to run away from home.
Legit, run away. I would just start running down the street -- I never had a destination, just as far as my feet would take me. I would run as fast as I could.. I think that is where my love for running was born. I could never get too far as my father was chasing after me. He would always catch me and drag me back by my arm. I would hit and pull back.. but none of that would matter, he was always stronger than I was.

Why didn't any of the passing cars ever stop and try to help?
Why didn't they just ask if everything was alright? They could clearly see something was amiss.
Why did everyone always just assume that he was just this great guy.


I would always have to pay for my actions with the whip that he kept at home.
But, I was determined to not let him control me anymore.. I refused to play victim.


[to be continued..]

Sidenote:
Thanks again to the support that everyone has given me throughout this series.
It truly means the world to me to feel the love that you have shared with me.